How can one experience a joyful life, cultivate self-growth, and find purpose amid an ever-changing chaotic world full of adverse circumstances?
Many paths lead to the sweet spot of life. Today, I’d like to share some ways to find some relief when feeling drained in coping with everyday chaos. The PERMA Model is a 5-letter acronym that describes the theory of well-being by Martin Seligman. It is driving people to Positive Psychology. Seligman’s science-based concept uses five characteristics to explain what makes a good life and what can be done to make it more fulfilling.
“Positive psychology takes you through the countryside of pleasure and gratification, up into the high country of strength and virtue, and finally to the peaks of lasting fulfillment, meaning, and purpose.” Seligman, 2002
The P stands for Positive Emotions: The regular experience of positive emotions such as gratitude, enjoyment, or affection is essential for everyone’s well-being.
The E stands for Engagement: People become more satisfied and can flourish when they live in the wake of their strengths, are committed to something great, and are absorbed in or even engaged in those activities.
R means Relationships, positive relationships: Being part of a social network, being able to rely on others, and being of use to them, gives many people an incredible feeling of happiness. Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a functioning family, or deep friendships – positive relationships are one of the essential satisfaction drivers.
M stands for Meaning: If we can use our strengths for a higher purpose, in which we recognize and experience meaning, this is another significant step towards a fulfilled life.
And finally, A is Achievement: Stephen Covey calls it “to leave a legacy”: to create something that lasts beyond death and leaves a mark. To achieve this, one needs explicit goals in life that one seeks to accomplish. Goal achievement also leads to greater satisfaction, increased well-being, and a higher sense of happiness via increased self-esteem.
“No human being can develop the potential inherent in them if their dignity is violated by others or if they even violate their own dignity themselves.” –Gerald Hüther “The Compassionate Brain: How Empathy Creates Intelligence”
The German writer Gerald Hüther, one of our most well-known philosophers of today, and at the same time habilitated neurobiologist from the University Göttingen, and the Max-Planck-Institut gives this aspect another twist in his book “Dignity” from 2014. He calls for a joint return to dignity to be strong as a (digital) society and to find orientation in tough times. He states that nothing less than our dignity is at stake and explores what dignity really means. Furthermore, he outlines why it is at risk of being lost, how we can regain it, and what it all has to do with how our brain functions. He is convinced we must regain our freedom by following the call to change.
So how can we manage not violating our and others’ dignity?
We all have had our fair share of behaviors that we perceive as awkward, scary, triggering, or unsettling. The best place to start a perceptual change is within ourselves. We can learn to hold up our and others’ dignity when we connect on a deeper level of understanding, leading us to a state of prudence and keeping a cool head. Uncontrolled emotions with a tendency towards dysfunctionality, like extreme anger and rage, have a contrary effect and can generate anxiety and steal others’ dignity.
Have you ever heard of the Iceberg Model? It demonstrates the revealing part of our personalities and visible communication, like the tip of an iceberg revealing itself above the water’s surface. At the visual level, you can observe facts, data, speech, and behavior. The other invisible 80% of the iceberg represents the hidden part of communication and behavior. This unseen 80% of our fellow human beings can cause misunderstandings and trigger us even if we are from the same country or culture and speak the same language. It is even more difficult to empathize with the 20% unveiled triggering behavior of people from differing nations when 80% of the cause for this personality is unrevealed, unfamiliar, and, therefore, easily and often misunderstood.
Interpreting behavior is dangerous when we lean solely on our own perspective.
I remember when I spotted and made my way toward an available seat on the subway in Beijing. A Chinese man pushed me aside at the last second and took my seat. I was outraged and found this behavior utterly rude. I now know that my interpretation of this behavior did not correspond to the man’s real intention. After some time in the Asian region, among others in China, I learned that such behavior could be interpreted quite differently in a nation with so many people. It may not have been polite, but it was not regarded as rude. I wasn’t part of his “inner circle” and lacked foreign understanding. The 20% unveiled behavior triggered me, yet, I was utterly blind to the 80% unseen cause for this experience.
Mindful self-compassion is the entry-level to an evolved self.
Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas, calls everyone to train in more self-compassion in her book, “Self-Compassion – The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” Feeling inadequate doesn’t allow us to thrive. Self-criticism can harm us more than we think. We have to understand that imperfection is a shared human trait. She outlines the need to put space between ones-self and our suffering to create more self-compassion. Applying self-compassion motivates us and allows us to see ourselves for who we are. Neff’s research shows that by encouraging self-indulgence, self-compassion helps us see ourselves clearly and make needed changes because we care about ourselves and want to reach our full potential.
Here are a few examples of Neff’s self-compassion exercises that are pretty simple:
- Respond to yourself as you would respond to a good friend when suffering.
- Exploring self-compassion through writing yourself a letter from a place of compassion and acceptance for the things you feel shame or insecure about.
- Supportive touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system to help you feel calm, cared for, and safe.
- Taking care of the caregiver, you allow yourself to keep your heart open to care for and nurture yourself while caring for and nurturing others.
Wanting to experience a higher level of well-being and live up to our fullest potential is only a natural desire. Many activities support this objective. By using mindfulness exercises toward emotional intelligence, and consciousness, we can evolve toward experiencing more positive emotions and meaning in life.
